This article was first published as ‘Being a Dad’ in the Parent To Parent newsletter, Nov 2012.
“When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy, because ‘sacrifice’ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children” – Chris Rock
I read this quote recently, and although it sounds cute and straightforward, it bothered me. I think many parents of special needs kids might find this sentiment a bit glib. “That’s easy for you to say, Chris Rock”. I spent many years trying to get the balance right. This is my story of how I learned to be Papa to my kids.
Act 1: Panic and confusion
My oldest kid became brain injured when he was only a few weeks old, at a time that was already chaotic because we were in the middle of moving to Europe, to a country where we barely spoke the language. I felt like my life came apart. We spent a lot of time in foreign hospitals dealing with foreign neurologists and therapists (who often spoke no English), foreign lawyers, and a useless foreign health insurance company. I was in a state of constant panic and depression, made worse by our isolation and the way that my relatives back in NZ freaked out (I spent my energy reassuring them over the phone, not the other way around).
My boss at one point sat me down to tell me that he understood my situation, but that my work performance was unacceptable and I’d have to sort it out. I knew on some level that it was wrong for him to be saying this, but it locked in a lot of insecurity for me. I reacted by overcompensating and working even harder. I would try to be some sort of superhero, the perfect worker and the perfect dad.
Act 2: Disconnected
We later moved to another country where I brought a lot of work home in the evenings to make up for the hours I spent driving between specialist appointments, therapy centres and the children’s hospital. On nights when I stayed with my son at the hospital, I worked late at his bedside. My job now sometimes had me travelling internationally, for weeks at a time. We had another kid. My wife told me I wasn’t supporting my family enough, which I felt wasn’t fair because I was working myself to destruction. But in truth, I was disengaged and unable to make any real decisions, unable to support my family because I was so deeply scared of doing anything wrong. I felt constantly stressed, angry, isolated, and depressed. Despite this, I kept working hard and I somehow continued to get my job done.
Then my application for a promotion was rejected, because of my son’s medical condition. My boss said I wouldn’t be able to handle the expanded role specifically because I had a special needs kid. The sentiment seemed cartoonishly evil and wrong. I probably could have sued my employer, however my boss did have a point (the promotion might have broken me, had I gotten it). So instead I quit and changed careers; because it finally dawned on me that everyone I worked with in academia (including me) was sacrificing their family for the sake of their career. This had to stop. I had to turn my priorities around.
Act 3: Family First
At this point I resolved that from now on I would be the perfect dad and husband. By this time I had built up a great deal of guilt over the fact that my partner was doing the lion’s share of the home rehab work (while I was off working). I had also convinced myself on a subconscious level that if my son wasn’t developing fast enough neurologically then this was because I wasn’t working hard enough with him during the evenings and weekends. So I resolved to spend more time with the kids, and in particular to make it quality time of the highest possible quality. Every hour of every weekend should be Creative! Instructive! Fun! Therapeutic!
The problem was, I was still human – I came home tired at the end of the day and needed down time like anyone else. The unrealistic goals I had set myself intimidated me into continued inaction, and my closet filled up with science kits and craft stuff that never got used. Even worse, I was teaching my kids to be cranky and resentful because that’s how I was acting. For years now, I hadn’t been spending any quality time or energy on me. I had effectively sacrificed myself for the sake of my family, and my goal of ‘putting my family first’ had morphed into ‘putting myself last’. Nobody had ever asked me to do that!
Act 4: Stop Trying So Hard
These days I try to slow down, just hang out and have fun with my wonderful kids. I’ll take them out in the weekend to a museum or maybe just McDonald’s. The funny thing is, now occasionally it happens while I’m hanging out with the kids that a total stranger will come up to me and tell me I must be a wonderful father. I can only guess that they’re somehow touched by our little scene: simply being out in public while one of the kids is in a wheelchair. Maybe Chris Rock was right after all; I just had to realize that my kids are cool, and let my kids see that I genuinely enjoy spending time with them.
Aha! But apparently there’s another secret (and by the way I’m still getting the hang of this). This only seems to work if I periodically take time out for myself – go to a movie, or spend an afternoon or even a whole weekend just doing something for me. Life can still get overwhelming, but I find that being a dad works best for me when I stop trying to make sacrifices in order to achieve it.